The light of my own fire...

Another day has passed... a half day of teaching followed by a half day of useless banter, a.k.a. "professional staff development."

The school improvement team has this idea to extend lunch to an hour, part of which would be spent eating and part of which would be spent in a mentor/enrichment group. Not that it's a bad idea (there are a lot of possibilities), but there was no PLAN to implement it... so it could go in any direction. One of the staff members asked me, one-on-one, if I would like to put together something with computers to do with a group during that time. I told him that it was, technically, possible, but I couldn't get too excited about it until I see how it shapes up. I'd love to have been excited, but once you've been disappointed enough times, it's sort of a defense mechanism not to get excited about unknown possibilities. Perhaps, tomorrow, I will go and talk to this staff member and clarify my position further.

I'm not a person of limited enthusiasm. In fact, my recent burnout has surprised me (thus the blog to figure the whole thing out) quite a bit. That the guy still has some limited faith in me says something for him, or for me, or for somebody out there.

I've been preoccupied as of late gathering materials for my job application to South Carolina. While I've been admitted into Clemson, assistanships have not been announced yet and I still need to work on Plan B (full-time employment). Part of the process is getting online references, one of which I asked my former assistant principal to write for me. She said she would and seemed quite enthused about it, but then I saw how she rated me and it made me look... well, average. I've never considered myself to be an average teacher, but hell, maybe I am. Who wants to hire average? Average is often what is hired, but most people don't know it or admit it to themselves at the time.

So, over three days, I have gathered only ONE (of three) references that I can use. The district technology director was very good to me, unlike the old assistant principal. I am still awaiting to hear back from my old principal. I bolted from his school on bad terms, but I've since apologized and I thought that might have made a difference. Perhaps, he's just been away from the office or something. Who knows? Right now, I sit here wondering whether, in spite of three years of hard work, all I have to show for it is a series of burned bridges. It reminds me of a passage in Isaiah (Chapter 50):

11 But now, all you who light fires
and provide yourselves with flaming torches,
go, walk in the light of your fires
and of the torches you have set ablaze.
This is what you shall receive from my hand:
You will lie down in torment.

When I heard this verse read one time, I thought, "that's me." Of course, the first time I heard it, I thought it meant someone who was independent, walking in their own way by their own torch. I guess it does kind of mean that, but while you're off walking your own way, you set a lot of shit on fire without even realizing it. Perhaps, I should take more note of the verse that precedes it:

10 Who among you fears the LORD
and obeys the word of his servant?
Let him who walks in the dark,
who has no light,
trust in the name of the LORD
and rely on his God.

I feel as if so many bridges have burned, fizzled out, and I am without light. There is nothing more I can do than to rely on my God... a sobering and comforting thought all at once...

...It sure beats lying down in torment.